first slut post
the first post talking about the "slut" portion of my blog name
the liberal part should be fairly clear by now.
let me begin by stating the rather obvious fact there is not one "positive" word in the english language to describe a woman who is sexually active outside of committed relationships. some of the descriptors used are: whore, slut, tramp, adulteress, hussy, strumpet, trollop, promiscious, trashy.
and conversely, there is not one "negative" word in the english language to describe a man who is sexually active outside of committed relationships. some descriptors: virile, potent, stud, lucky guy.
if anyone can think of any words i missed, positive or negative, please let me know. i'd love to hear them and revise my theory. i dont mind a little flip flop now and again ;)
sex-positive is the "new" pc word. and i like it. but i like slut better.
from an interview with susie bright:
that's the key, the non-relationship sex without remorse or guilt.
i was talking to a friend of mine the other day about guilt after sex. i dont get that. i really dont. unless you've hurt or forced someone, i dont understand where the guilt comes from. he said it was "feeling like you had let yourself down, not lived up to your own standards." maybe that's the problem... i don't have these strong "moral" standards when it comes to sex. for me, if i want to, and the other person/people want to, then there is no ethical problem.
the exception of course is if a person is in a committed relationship. i have never knowingly slept with someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend. that's one of my strongest ethical positions: don't help people cheat. i myself have never cheated either. i've broken up with partners because i knew i was going to sleep with someone else, but would not do it while someone else believed i was theirs only. i can't live a lie, or act one.
i've always been extremely sexual and open about it. maybe it's because i'm a scorpio. maybe it's because i was raised by hippie liberal parents at a hippie liberal school in berkeley. maybe it's because i rebel against stereotypes, always, and specifically ones having to do with gender.
because i don't fit into a lot of those gender stereotypes. in many ways i am "like a guy" (to frame this discussion within gender stereotypes, which i just rejected, oh well) most of my friends are guys (though i have good female friends as well). i can hang out with the guys, smoke all of them under the table, talk about hot women with them (i'm bi), go to geeky star wars opening things where i am the only girl... and i have a stronger sex drive than probably a good half of my male friends.
besides that, i rebel against social restrictions/constructions in general. drugs are bad? give me more! heroin is the darkest, most secret, backroom drug of them all? yeah, let's do THAT one! and in the FRONT room! screw you! sex with multiple partners is slutty? how about a 7 person orgy? yeah!
and i have never, and pray that i will never, barter sex for other things. i do not require a guy to buy me dinner or tell me he loves me to have sex with him. why? because i reject the idea that women are the sexual gatekeepers and must determine when the sex is to happen based upon the behavior or gifts of the man. because those women who wrote "the rules" need to be destroyed. and, most simply, because I HAVE SEX WHEN I WANT TO.
this can bring up problems, like everything else. if a woman starts feeling romantically attached to a man, most people say it is a bad idea to sleep with him right away, because then he will see you as just a sex friend and not a potential girlfriend. and i have experienced this a few times. and it hurt like hell. but i got over it.
it's kind of a test. if i like someone, and i want to sleep with them right away, and they want to sleep with me right away, then hell yeah, i do it. afterwards, if they pull away, act awkward, are unable to look me in the eye, ignore me at social functions, etc, then i know i have found someone who has a sex/girlfriend dichotomy going on. and i don't want a partner like that. so be it.
on the other hand, if i sleep with someone right away, and they are still interested, and still into me, and we either have a great sexual friendship with no strings attached or we end up falling in love (which has been the case with all of my boyfriends), then i know that i've found someone who hasnt been completely socially constructed into the idea that "sluts make bad girlfriends."
or maybe the ones that fall in love with me do so because i'm great in bed. who's to say? ;)
these men usually have also understood that while i'm "promiscious" when i'm single, when i AM in a committed relationship, i'm the most loyal, devoted and true girlfriend ever (i am a scorpio after all). and these are the men that i want to be with, free-minded, non-misogynist, and most of all, unafraid of the power of female sexuality.
because the fear of that power, of female sexuality, the goddesslike ability to create life from the sexual act, the divine feminine, was and is perhaps the single greatest factor in creating the patriarchal, racist, classist, homophobic, violent society that we live in today.
but that's a topic for another post.
to summarize: i'm proud to be a slut. it's politically, socially and spiritually empowering. and it feels damn good.
the liberal part should be fairly clear by now.
let me begin by stating the rather obvious fact there is not one "positive" word in the english language to describe a woman who is sexually active outside of committed relationships. some of the descriptors used are: whore, slut, tramp, adulteress, hussy, strumpet, trollop, promiscious, trashy.
and conversely, there is not one "negative" word in the english language to describe a man who is sexually active outside of committed relationships. some descriptors: virile, potent, stud, lucky guy.
if anyone can think of any words i missed, positive or negative, please let me know. i'd love to hear them and revise my theory. i dont mind a little flip flop now and again ;)
sex-positive is the "new" pc word. and i like it. but i like slut better.
from an interview with susie bright:
Everyone in college is "slut-phobic" -- slut being the designation of anyone who is seen to be sexual without remorse or a ring on their finger.
that's the key, the non-relationship sex without remorse or guilt.
i was talking to a friend of mine the other day about guilt after sex. i dont get that. i really dont. unless you've hurt or forced someone, i dont understand where the guilt comes from. he said it was "feeling like you had let yourself down, not lived up to your own standards." maybe that's the problem... i don't have these strong "moral" standards when it comes to sex. for me, if i want to, and the other person/people want to, then there is no ethical problem.
the exception of course is if a person is in a committed relationship. i have never knowingly slept with someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend. that's one of my strongest ethical positions: don't help people cheat. i myself have never cheated either. i've broken up with partners because i knew i was going to sleep with someone else, but would not do it while someone else believed i was theirs only. i can't live a lie, or act one.
i've always been extremely sexual and open about it. maybe it's because i'm a scorpio. maybe it's because i was raised by hippie liberal parents at a hippie liberal school in berkeley. maybe it's because i rebel against stereotypes, always, and specifically ones having to do with gender.
because i don't fit into a lot of those gender stereotypes. in many ways i am "like a guy" (to frame this discussion within gender stereotypes, which i just rejected, oh well) most of my friends are guys (though i have good female friends as well). i can hang out with the guys, smoke all of them under the table, talk about hot women with them (i'm bi), go to geeky star wars opening things where i am the only girl... and i have a stronger sex drive than probably a good half of my male friends.
besides that, i rebel against social restrictions/constructions in general. drugs are bad? give me more! heroin is the darkest, most secret, backroom drug of them all? yeah, let's do THAT one! and in the FRONT room! screw you! sex with multiple partners is slutty? how about a 7 person orgy? yeah!
and i have never, and pray that i will never, barter sex for other things. i do not require a guy to buy me dinner or tell me he loves me to have sex with him. why? because i reject the idea that women are the sexual gatekeepers and must determine when the sex is to happen based upon the behavior or gifts of the man. because those women who wrote "the rules" need to be destroyed. and, most simply, because I HAVE SEX WHEN I WANT TO.
this can bring up problems, like everything else. if a woman starts feeling romantically attached to a man, most people say it is a bad idea to sleep with him right away, because then he will see you as just a sex friend and not a potential girlfriend. and i have experienced this a few times. and it hurt like hell. but i got over it.
it's kind of a test. if i like someone, and i want to sleep with them right away, and they want to sleep with me right away, then hell yeah, i do it. afterwards, if they pull away, act awkward, are unable to look me in the eye, ignore me at social functions, etc, then i know i have found someone who has a sex/girlfriend dichotomy going on. and i don't want a partner like that. so be it.
on the other hand, if i sleep with someone right away, and they are still interested, and still into me, and we either have a great sexual friendship with no strings attached or we end up falling in love (which has been the case with all of my boyfriends), then i know that i've found someone who hasnt been completely socially constructed into the idea that "sluts make bad girlfriends."
or maybe the ones that fall in love with me do so because i'm great in bed. who's to say? ;)
these men usually have also understood that while i'm "promiscious" when i'm single, when i AM in a committed relationship, i'm the most loyal, devoted and true girlfriend ever (i am a scorpio after all). and these are the men that i want to be with, free-minded, non-misogynist, and most of all, unafraid of the power of female sexuality.
because the fear of that power, of female sexuality, the goddesslike ability to create life from the sexual act, the divine feminine, was and is perhaps the single greatest factor in creating the patriarchal, racist, classist, homophobic, violent society that we live in today.
but that's a topic for another post.
to summarize: i'm proud to be a slut. it's politically, socially and spiritually empowering. and it feels damn good.
posted by lia at 1:38 PM
4 Comments:
So basically you are an Ethical Slut.
In many ways you are the ideal sort of woman, assuming all you say is true and you are careful about diseases and stuff.
I think slut is sort of a cool word, my own self.
People who get a lot of guilt about sex in and of itself are never going to be good in bed, let alone be good longterm lovers.
As for having sex right away, I don't think that in itself is a bad thing but that not many guys are gonna turn you down so it can set you up to be hurt but I do not think it is what causes most of them to dump you...they likely would not have been into you in the first place. It is hard to find someone you want to be in a relationship with.
My favorite womanly epithet: Jezibel
mr. underhill: yeah, basically i am an "ethical slut" (have you read the book?) except for one important thing. polyamory is not for me. that book discusses all the ways to have an open relationship, to have one "primary partner" but still have other sexual/romantic partners as well, and how to discuss it openly with your primary partner, and be safe and healthy and honest and so forth.
no way in hell could i do that.
wish i could. really do. believe in the theoretical aspects and think its really cool. i admire people who can do that. but i am WAY too jealous, when i start actually caring about someone in a relationship-y kinda way, to ever imagine having an open relationship. i dont think scorpios can do that very well, they're really intense and possessive, WHEN theyre in a committed relationship. i know i am. a shame, really.
i'm so much fun in every other kind of situation!
"In many ways you are the ideal sort of woman, assuming all you say is true and you are careful about diseases and stuff."
why thank you sir ;) of course i am the ideal woman. and what i say IS true. it's interesting, whenever i mention my "sexual stance," men tend to be very skeptical. i've heard and seen a lot of comments around that women just *say* that to lure men in, and then you're trapped. like they cant believe that a woman could possibly have as strong a sex drive as a man. but nope, i dont do that. i really am honest about it. and if i start feeling "emotions" for a guy, i tell him that too, so he can make his own informed choice. and then, sometimes we fall in love, which is up to the universe, really.
and yeah, i'm very careful about diseases and health... health care is my life's work so i'm not likely to forget about it when it comes to my body... except for the smoking cigarettes thing... oh well, i'm quitting soon :p
"People who get a lot of guilt about sex in and of itself are never going to be good in bed, let alone be good longterm lovers."
i've noticed that too... although there is something delicious about making a catholic boy do bad, bad things...
"As for having sex right away, I don't think that in itself is a bad thing but that not many guys are gonna turn you down so it can set you up to be hurt but I do not think it is what causes most of them to dump you...they likely would not have been into you in the first place. It is hard to find someone you want to be in a relationship with."
lol, most of them? didnt realize i'd implied i'd been dumped by an army or anything ;) but no, i agree with what you're saying. its not as black and white as i wrote it to be, i realized after i wrote it. it IS hard to find someone you want to be with. and most of the men i'm around are enlightened pc northern californians, so the whole misogyny thing doesnt really crop up that often. but its still surprising how much sex-right-away can disconcert a man, even one you've been friends with for a while. i dont know why.
ocean: jezebel is an AWESOME one! thanks for reminding me :)
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