scorpio
my horoscope for the week, courtesy of free will astrology
its fascinating to me how horoscopes can sometimes be so exactly on target
ok, i dont really like to do this on my blog, but i'm going to go into "here is my life laid open for all to see" blogging style. which i usually despise. but this is just for this post. and it has to do with being a slut! which should please all you slutphiles ;)
the experiment i read from this horoscope is the experiment of trying to have casual sex with someone when there are romantic feelings (on my part) involved. that doesnt happen to me very often... i rarely get emotionally attached to my fuck-buddies - remember, i AM a slut). but unreciprocated emotional attachment has been known to happen for me... 5 times, actually (thats whats so eerily on target about this horoscope) and those 5 "stings" have hurt like hell. but i have survived.
and last night was sting number 6. someone got through the 3 year armoring of my heart. and then i got hurt.
i really dont think i can take another, a number 7. i'm so tired of toughing it out. and i think i HAVE proved my point: that i am almost always able to have casual sex without any romantic attachment.
i am not indicating that i will discontinue having casual sex. at ALL :p but when i feel a romantic attachment growing, a chink in my armor giving way, and i know that my feelings are pretty much unreciprocated, i plan to break it off, then and there. that's what i should have done this time, and what i should have done with the previous 5 throughout my life. i should have gotten out of the scorpion box.
so this current experiment is finished. now, onto the very necessary process of re-closing my heart. it hurts too much when it's open.
it'll be easy. i've done it before. the hard part is not letting it open again.
its fascinating to me how horoscopes can sometimes be so exactly on target
Your recent "experiment" reminds me of the Malaysian performance artist who locked herself in a glass box with 2,700 scorpions, hoping to remain there for 30 days. After being stung by the poisonous arachnids seven times, she almost left early. Ultimately, though, she toughed it out. I figure you are at a point in your own adventure where you've managed to survive the equivalent of five stings, Scorpio. But in my opinion you've already proved your point. I suggest you finish the "experiment" immediately.
ok, i dont really like to do this on my blog, but i'm going to go into "here is my life laid open for all to see" blogging style. which i usually despise. but this is just for this post. and it has to do with being a slut! which should please all you slutphiles ;)
the experiment i read from this horoscope is the experiment of trying to have casual sex with someone when there are romantic feelings (on my part) involved. that doesnt happen to me very often... i rarely get emotionally attached to my fuck-buddies - remember, i AM a slut). but unreciprocated emotional attachment has been known to happen for me... 5 times, actually (thats whats so eerily on target about this horoscope) and those 5 "stings" have hurt like hell. but i have survived.
and last night was sting number 6. someone got through the 3 year armoring of my heart. and then i got hurt.
i really dont think i can take another, a number 7. i'm so tired of toughing it out. and i think i HAVE proved my point: that i am almost always able to have casual sex without any romantic attachment.
i am not indicating that i will discontinue having casual sex. at ALL :p but when i feel a romantic attachment growing, a chink in my armor giving way, and i know that my feelings are pretty much unreciprocated, i plan to break it off, then and there. that's what i should have done this time, and what i should have done with the previous 5 throughout my life. i should have gotten out of the scorpion box.
so this current experiment is finished. now, onto the very necessary process of re-closing my heart. it hurts too much when it's open.
it'll be easy. i've done it before. the hard part is not letting it open again.
posted by lia at 1:35 PM
7 Comments:
i think the "experiment" never really ends.
mine:
The astrological omens are pretty odd right now. They seem to be suggesting that your luck will be good and you'll be in maximum alignment with the cosmic rhythms if you watch a lot of daytime TV, eat heaps of junk food, get no more than four hours of sleep a night, and argue with yourself loudly in public. Just kidding, Virgo. I was merely testing to see whether you've become overly gullible towards so-called authorities like me. The truth is that you should free yourself from influences that presume to tell you what to do. Get their voices completely out of your head so you can clearly hear the still, small voice of your fiercely tender intuition.
Your destiny is a gorgeous mystery, Virgo. Your soul is awakening more every day. The secrets of life are ripening right in front of your eyes. For more clues, consider checking out your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.
LOVE THE ADVERTISING PLUG AT THE END!
Weird, I was just thinking of some of my hyporysies and blogging about one of them:
"The guy in front of me in the grocery store checkout line today was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Sublimely tacky, yet refreshingly unrefined." That's a perfect lead-in to the astrological advice I'd like to convey to you this week, which is: You're most likely to be happy and successful if you stop trying to deny the fact that you're a beautifully messy mass of contradictions. It's high time for you to celebrate your inconsistencies and regard your mutability as a strength. I encourage you to invite all of your different sub-personalities to a big come-as-you-are party in your head."
As for you, I think almost it is better to tough it out if you enjoy it because being hurt once in a while helps you to balance your emotions better.
ohh, but i've had so much goddamn pain in my life already, besides those 5 stings. and i've never felt that these hurts helped to balance my emotions... usually they did just the opposite. the only times i feel emotionally balanced is when i am (relatively) free from attachment.
i know all the sayings (if it doesnt kill you it makes you stronger, etc) and i agree with them. i've definitely learned a lot from each painful experience (lover-related or no). but what i was saying is that i dont want to continue toughing out sexual relationships when i'm pretty damn sure that i'm gonna get hurt. it's just masochism, really. i need to learn how to leave when it's time for me to leave, instead of telling myself "lia, you're strong, you can take it! you've been through much worse than this! if you're having fun, just go with the flow!"
no. that's not me being balanced, that's me being in denial, and enjoying it so much that my brain shuts off and my memory lapses. it's me trying to prove a point to myself, that i'm SO strong that i can take anything. but just because i've been involved in things that have hurt before, and i've eventually gotten over them, does not mean that i should repeat the experience. and i cant keep doing this to myself. theres enough suffering in the world, i sure as hell dont need to add to it. and this kind of suffering has nearly killed me before. and i want to live, dammit!
my goal now is to keep my heart locked up until i rationally and intelligently deduce that there is a very safe situation in which i can open it - that is, if i ever find that kind of situation again... which right now i am highly doubtful of. i know that security is an illusion, but some situations are much more secure than others. like, for example, finding a romantic partner who thinks i am worthy of love. because i know that i am.
so to summarize: i need to stop being such a masochistic idiot.
Okay okay okay. I have to say something here, even though my long-term monogamy has kept me out of the loop on this kind of thing for quite a while now.
If you "keep [your] heart locked up" and go around in "armor" all the time and wait until you "rationally and intellectually deduce" that you can let yourself fall in love, how will you ever fall in love? By definition, love is not rational or intellectual. You're throwing out the baby with the bathwater here.
Yes, not sleeping with people that don't reciprocate your feelings is the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean you have to base everything on emotionless calculation. You won't really do that, anyway, I suspect.
It's not all or nothing. Being a slut, sleeping with people casually, doesn't need to be a statement of policy. Back when I was a slut I always said that it was more about being aware of what type of connection you had with each partner, and being honest enough not to force it into being something else -- if the connection between two people is a one-night stand, let it be a one-night stand. If it's something more, let it grow. If it doesn't grow, don't pretend it's something it's not. You know?
-Lorrimer (your recently married friend)
hi "lorrimer" - and yes, i do know who are, hi darlin :)
i was out tonight, and having a great time with my friends; they have been so supportive and forcing me to remember not to take it personally and that it's his stuff, not mine, that i rock and deserve love, etc. i'm not sure how much of that "it's all him" thing is true... but it sure makes me feel a hell of a lot better. i'm lucky in my friends.
and so when i was out tonight, i was thinking about my recent posts on this blog, and realizing how exaggeratedly melodramatic (an alien concept for you, lorrimer, i know :p) they have been. i mean, the whole thing was only for a little over a month, it was mutually agreed upon as a casual relationship, and it's really nothing compared to the other 5 stings i mentioned.
(i will note that one of the other reasons i was able to get that shitty feeling out of my system tonight is because i poured it all out onto this blog. blogging served a function, and it was healing. blogs are weird.)
however, though it had been constructive for me to post that stuff, i still felt silly for exposing lia-at-her-worst to the world. vanity, i suppose.
and SO, i came home just now and immediately logged on to post something like "ok, that shit is all over now, i realized it was about something else entirely, i'm cool now, onto the next bushbashing website!"
but damn you lorrimer, you beat me to it!
i'm gonna write it anyway.
i got fired last week. from a job i was really excited about. money and debts are a big issue for me, and not having a job affects me really strongly. and so i was already feeling vulnerable and rejected. so when this other thing happened (not such a big deal thing after all, upon a day's reflection) it triggered the career rejection feelings, and then i transferred the career stuff to the romance stuff.
you said: "If it doesn't grow, don't pretend it's something it's not. You know?"
yeah, i do know. and i wasnt really pretending it was something it wasnt. we were clear and honest from the beginning. again, my theatrical depiction of the scenario had more to do with my job than with the reality of the situation.
but i recognized that this evening, and saw the context of the situation, and i was healed! well, mostly ;)
of course i wont base everything on emotionless calculation - you know me too well. there's no way i'm even capable of that. i know that the risk of pain is worth it for love. the donning armor imagery was just me being melodramatic, and also needing a protective image to carry me through the pain. what i meant was more about making wiser choices, and keeping my guard up until it FEELS safe. sensing when it feels safe of course does not have to be rational and intellectul, although i would like my brain to take a role in it ;)
the thing that you agreed with me on, the not sleeping with people who dont reciprocate your feelings being the right thing to do idea. of course you did. it's obvious.
but for me, that is still a big challenge. it seems obvious and matter of fact, but the heart and body sometimes dont obey the brain, and vice versa... this is true for everyone, to some extent. and my particular tendency is definitely heart over brain. and i go to extremes, quite often. and so i was overcompensating with the armor thing.
the goal is to find the balance between.
the goal, also, is to take care of myself first.
thank you for calling me on my shit. you've always been good at that.
gentle readers: i apologize for making you read all my bs :p
*phew* ok, its over.
AND SO... onto the next post!
love to mrs. lorrimar, and to yourself
-l
A way to deal with pain.
what an incredibly condescending post
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