the liberals strike back
i have never seen so much anger and malice in liberal rhetoric as i've seen in the last week. i feel it too, i've never felt so angry at "red" people.
here are a few of the angry things that have been going around. you've probably seen most of them, but here they are anyway.
fuck the south
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
american coastopia
American Coastopia
11/3/04
We have decided that we can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the "heartland" are so full of horse pucky. We were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought - why should WE move? We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn and Golden Gate Bridges. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate on gay marriage. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
George Bush: Creating enemies faster than we can kill them.
We have done the only thing we could. We have seceded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and California are joining the New England states. We have added Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous. Cleveland will secede from Ohio to join us, so we will benefit from association with Dennis Kucinich and his peaceful vision.
We will also be taking New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American Coastopia needs a place with great food, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure, you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore!
We are taking downtown and midtown Manhattan and turning the whole place into a giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks, and of course wonderful ethnic restaurants.
I know you are worrying, who will get the banks? You can f****ing have most of them, because Wall Street and other financial institutions will be relocated to Texas, which we believe will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we want. We believe in a meritocracy. We believe in a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006.
We are taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful. We are taking all the funny people too. Even Robin Williams. Particularly him. And all the sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen. You should have treated them better when you had them!
To all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come join us. To those of you who woke up this morning sickened by the thought of the next four years, come join us. In American Coastopia, the hazelnut lattes are always hot, the martinis are always cold (and served with three olives) and the light is always on!!
and my favorite
here are a few of the angry things that have been going around. you've probably seen most of them, but here they are anyway.
fuck the south
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
american coastopia
American Coastopia
11/3/04
We have decided that we can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the "heartland" are so full of horse pucky. We were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought - why should WE move? We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn and Golden Gate Bridges. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate on gay marriage. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
George Bush: Creating enemies faster than we can kill them.
We have done the only thing we could. We have seceded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and California are joining the New England states. We have added Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous. Cleveland will secede from Ohio to join us, so we will benefit from association with Dennis Kucinich and his peaceful vision.
We will also be taking New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American Coastopia needs a place with great food, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure, you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore!
We are taking downtown and midtown Manhattan and turning the whole place into a giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks, and of course wonderful ethnic restaurants.
I know you are worrying, who will get the banks? You can f****ing have most of them, because Wall Street and other financial institutions will be relocated to Texas, which we believe will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we want. We believe in a meritocracy. We believe in a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006.
We are taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful. We are taking all the funny people too. Even Robin Williams. Particularly him. And all the sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen. You should have treated them better when you had them!
To all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come join us. To those of you who woke up this morning sickened by the thought of the next four years, come join us. In American Coastopia, the hazelnut lattes are always hot, the martinis are always cold (and served with three olives) and the light is always on!!
and my favorite
posted by lia at 2:21 PM
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